Encouragement/Ideas: Help with attitudes, unmotivated,

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Ariasarias
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 11:26 am

Re: Discpline during School Hours

Unread post by Ariasarias » Mon Sep 14, 2009 3:23 pm

Karla,
I just want to encourage you. Right now you are establishing expectations for school behavior, which is probably expected the rest of the day also -- to OBEY mommy.
This is new for everyone in your home, so it will take a little time. I think it is normal for them all to be trying you a little. They want to know how far they can push the limits during this new time of the day.
I'm sure others have very practical ways to help little boys obey, I have three girls and gave birth to a son only recently ;) .
But with my oldest dd, I was so concerned about getting school done that I let her behavior go a little.
It took me a while to realize that I was being lenient with her behavior during school.
I remember listening to David Hazell speak about preschoolers and he said that their spiritual goal until age seven is obedience. That was encouraging to me.
What I finally came to is that at this young age, an obedient child is better for everyone involved (including the child) than an academically achieved child.
Practically speaking, this meant that some days we spent all day trying to accomplish the obedience instead of "school." In the end, my dd learned what was expected during school and we could actually do school.
At this time of our lives, for my PK dd, school is a privilege. If she can not follow the rules, she is not allowed to do school that day. I'm sure it would look different in your house due to your situation, but I'm sure you get the point. Just the other day, she didn't want to follow my directions. She kept making up her own directions after several times of me reminding her she had to follow mine during school and that she could make up her own during her pretending :). I closed the book and sent her to play. She was actually sad and remembered the next day when we started the activity again the exact directions I had given her the day before.
I'll pray for you Karla, that God will give you a plan that will work in your home to help establish what is expected during school time.
Nicole :)
Nicole, wife to Claudio since 1996, and mom to dd (2000), dd (2003), dd (2005), and ds (2009).

NJCheryl
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Re: Discpline during School Hours

Unread post by NJCheryl » Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:29 pm

I also use the method of taking away privileges for that day. Usually a reminder of what will happen if the behavior continues is enough. You could also get them involved in creating a poster with "school rules." They can help create it as well as help come up with the rules, and even the consequences if the rules are broken. They are more likely to follow the rules if they are a part of the "Judicial system"

Cheryl

RachelT
Posts: 352
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Re: Discpline during School Hours

Unread post by RachelT » Tue Sep 15, 2009 9:47 pm

Hi Karla! It can be tough, but it's worth it! I really understand how that has felt and it now makes me laugh at all the crazy things my kids have tried in getting "out" of their school work. My son was 5.5 and my dd was 3.5 when we began homeschooling and we've tried lots of things. At that age, I had little incentive charts for good behavior and they would get stickers for good behavior and work towards something that they wanted to do. Last year I had a big bag of fun, extra school supplies and I let the kids choose something on Fridays if they had a certain amount of good behavior stickers that week. Right now, I am using little candies because I can immediately give a little candy piece when one of the children did their work without complaining or getting distracted or whatever. Maybe we will go back to stickers when the jar runs out...

For jobs, since I only have two children we rotate jobs. You might make up 3 daily school jobs or 6 daily school jobs and write out on a piece of paper which days each of them will do each job or you could make one child the "helper" each day and rotate that...

I would also say that time-outs during school may have to happen right now to get control of things. I would use the same system you already have for time-outs and if they have to sit in time-out, then have them do that work that they missed when the other two children get to go outside and play or have a break. It doesn't sound fun, but I bet it would teach them quickly that they just need to do their work the first time.

Oh, I just had another thought, I would also plan your schedule or schooltime so that you do something hard or challenging followed by something fun. So if they are acting up a lot during phonics lessons right now, you might plan on having a short play break or snack right after that and that will also be a positive reward for completing their work. I used to try to pack it all into a short amount of time, but sometimes a short break helps, too.

I also wonder if you are working with all 3 of them all the time? Or if they act up more while you are working with them as a group? Or if it's a problem when you are trying to work with one child and occupying the others at the same time.

I love teaching my children and yet it makes me crazy some days! But, I really can say that these type of things have improved over the last 4 years, although we have not "arrived" just yet!

Keep up the good work!
Rachel :-)
Rachel, wife to Doug ~ 1995, mom to J (17) and B (15)
MFW K (twice), 1st (twice), Adv., ECC, & CtG 2006-2010,
Classical Conversations 2010-2016,
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TriciaMR
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Re: Discpline during School Hours

Unread post by TriciaMR » Tue Sep 15, 2009 10:08 pm

I have 5 yo twin boys. Oh my, can they get silly AND competitive. One thing that has worked well for us is a chip cup. The kids start the day out with 20 "chips" in their cups. (I have different colored pretty rocks from the craft store that I'm using this year, last year I used paper clips.) I explained to my kids that if they act up, cry, pout, have a bad attitude, etc (you know what you need from your kids), I would take a chip. This really helped my kids make a connection to their behavior when they could see the chip coming out of the cup. Then you set up reward/consequence system:

20 chips - 15 minutes of computer/video/etc.
15-19 chips - no consequences/no rewards
12 - 14 chips - extra chore
10 - 12 chips - extra chore, plus going to bed 1/2 hour early
Less than 10 chips - then you get to face the principle (Dad!) when he gets home and he will determine the consequence. (Or add more consequences)

I think kids can get into the habit of bad attitudes and misbehaving. I only had to do this for about a month last year when my oldest was having attitude issues. I did it for one or two days at the beginning of this year, and haven't had to since. My boys really didn't like seeing a chip coming out of one cup and not the other.

My friend who suggested this said she made the chores really hard chores (raking leaves, picking up pine cones, weeding the garden). After the attitude improved and her kids weren't losing chips any more, she made it into a reward system. So, if you had 20 chips at the end of the day, you got a ticket. (Between 15-19, you lost a ticket.) Then, she had a chart for what her kids could buy with the tickets. Some ideas: date with mom or dad, CD with mom/dad's approval, computer time, computer game, new toys, etc.

-Trish
Trish - Wife to Phil, Mom to Toni(18), Charlie(14), and Trent(14)
2014-2015 - AHL, CTG
2015-2016 - WHL, RTR
2016-2017 - EXP1850, US1877
2017-2018 - DE, 1850MOD
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karlafoisy
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Jan 18, 2009 12:11 am

Re: Discpline during School Hours

Unread post by karlafoisy » Tue Sep 15, 2009 10:34 pm

Thanks everyone.
It was encouraging to remember that part of the kids' behavior is because this whole school thing is new to them. Of course they would want to see how much they can get away with! :) Thank you for that reminder. It is good to remember that if I am consistent now, they will soon figure out what is okay and what is not acceptable.
Some of you suggested taking away priviledges and some of you suggested rewards for good behavior. It occurred to me then that I actually already have a system like that in place! We have a "Star Chart" that we do every day right before bed. They have certain expectations listed (different for each kid), and if they were able to achieve that goal (i.e. I tried everything on my plate, I SAID what I wanted instead of yelling/hitting, etc), they get a star. Five stars earns a reward card (go out with mom/dad alone; treat jar; stay up 15 min).
SO....all that to say, your suggestions reminded me of the fact that I could just add "I cooperated during school time" onto their star chart. They are already accustomed to the star chart, and they would understand exactly what it means to lose a star for not cooperating.
I explained the additional goal on their star chart today, before we started school, and the morning went MUCH better. Thank you. I can't guarantee that it will CONTINUE to go this well. I am sure they will continue to test. I'd love to be ready with any ideas you have, if I need them. So feel free to continue giving suggestions or advice. I am only 6 days into this thing. :)
Thanks again for your quick response!
Karla

TriciaMR
Posts: 998
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How much input should a child have?

Unread post by TriciaMR » Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:17 pm

Marcee wrote:I think I must be hanging on to the fear that H'schooling my DD is going to be a nightmare like it was a couple of years ago. Which in turn may affect my son's attitude as well. Being that she is the oldest, he often mimics her thoughts. She assumes things are going to be awful w/o even trying them. She has had a strong opinion on what H'school curriculum she wants to use. (Maybe I just involve her too much in the details)? She became visibly upset (even after two years) when she saw me look at the site for our previous curriculum.

I'm going into this year with a positive attitude. I am going to have to power through it and not give up or back down. I just don't know how :~
"Because I'm the Mom and I said so!" is often my favorite remark. Sounds "mean" or "unbending" but you are the mom.

1. Make sure you are working on the RELATIONSHIP you have with your dd. I did a different curriculum for K - 2nd. Our relationship was terrible (I am too much of an "all the blanks must be filled in" type of gal). About 3 months into 2nd grade, I knew I would be switching to ECC in 3rd grade, but dh said I had to finish out with what I bought for 2nd. So, in the rest 2nd grade I really worked hard about not being "military mom" (as husband would call me). I failed lots, but got better at it. The style of ECC really freed me up - changing to narration instead of worksheets, copywork, dictation, hands-on projects - to not have to have every single box checked, every single blank filled in. Learning that it was okay to help my dd along as she needed and that it didn't all have to be "independent' work.

2. Will your husband support you in this? Will he put his foot down? Will he say, "Your mom and I chose this curriculum because..."

3. You are still the authority and you do know best for your children. Now, you may discover some things work better than others, but you're the mom, you get to decide.

If you do a forum search on "chip cup" you will find my idea about dealing with kids who have a habit of having a bad attitude or wanting to boss mom around...

-Trish
Trish - Wife to Phil, Mom to Toni(18), Charlie(14), and Trent(14)
2014-2015 - AHL, CTG
2015-2016 - WHL, RTR
2016-2017 - EXP1850, US1877
2017-2018 - DE, 1850MOD
2018-2019 - College, AHL
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jasntas
Posts: 469
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:10 pm

Re: How much input should a child have?

Unread post by jasntas » Wed Aug 25, 2010 7:21 pm

I feel for you as I had a nightmare experience, too, with my ds in K. He spent the next 2 years in ps before I got the nerve to hs again. And my dd sounds a lot like your ds in that she would follow big bro to the ends of the earth (most days). ;)

I pick the curriculum. They do it because that's what we are doing. They have no involvement in the choices made and they don't know any different. That doesn't mean they never complain or always willingly participate but I make the decision to change, if change is needed. Not them.

I don't know that I would allow your dd to have any input in your choices. I think you should be the one to make the decisions on what you think would be best for your children. Then I think you would have to use whatever program you choose for at least a month or 2 (I would say a full 2) before making a decision about whether or not it's a good fit for your child. I would say the most important input from her would be to figure out what her learning style may be and go that direction.

If it's a specific subject, I tell my dc it's their decision to research that subject further on their own time. If it is something that leans toward subjects we are studying, I try to go a little further in that direction, if possible. I always try to put books in the book basket that may pertain to anything of interest to them at the time in addition to the subjects we are studying.

Just my 2 cents for what it's worth. HTH :)
Tammie - Wife to James for 27 years
Mom to Justin (15) and Carissa (12)
ADV & K 2009-2010 . . . RTR (again) & WHL 2016-2017
http://tammiestime.blogspot.com/
The days of a mother are long but the years are short.

gratitude
Posts: 677
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 11:50 am

Re: How much input should a child have?

Unread post by gratitude » Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:15 pm

Like your other two posts I do choose our kids curriculum. I base the decisions on what has worked, but mostly on our goals for their education.

Home schooling has forced the issue for me to work on my main parenting weakness which is taking charge. My oldest ds is a natural leader, and I have had to learn to be a leader of a leader. If that makes any sense at all. It meant giving him far less decision making in areas I normally would have allowed. Our home school though started off rocky (very rocky) and has become a joy of mutual respect (most days, definitely not all). He still challenges some of our basic house rules, and we are working on it daily. He is the kid, as David describes on one CD, that looks for the hole in the fence (When he was a toddler literally!). When my oldest ds was age two my job was to keep him safe physically since he was always looking for a way through the boundaries set. If I am tired he finds the cracks and tries to go through. So I have had to work to be consistent on filling in the holes.

The upside of A LOT of relational work that started when he was 4 is that he has a super strong sense of right and wrong and will stand up for it to others. His Sunday School and Awana teachers tell me he is a responsible leader. I suppose I could be exhausted by his constant desire to lead and daily challenges of his father & I regarding our right to lead. I really choose instead though to see it as my life work to help this child become the leader God made him to be, and answerable first to God & us and later to God alone. He is a Joy though in our home, a challenge but a Joy. The last three years though all the work we have had to do hasn't been easy. The fruit though that I am beginning to see, and the love I have for the job I am doing is worth all the effort it took to reach this point. I am trying to figure out how to answer your comment, "I just don't know how." I understand. I didn't know how either. Every day I had to try to see if I could take charge a little more and become the 'mom' God has led me to be, and allowed my children to be the kids He has called them to be. Prayers for your success. I know you can do it! :-)

P.S. It is interesting you bring up this subject. I feel like bringing my ds into the foreign language discussion has really complicated it. I normally just order curriculum without any input except from DH. Much easier! I wanted to include my ds input for foreign language, and it definitely is making the decision harder.

Marcee
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Re: How much input should a child have?

Unread post by Marcee » Wed Aug 25, 2010 9:44 pm

TriciaMR wrote:Will your husband support you in this? Will he put his foot down? Will he say, "Your mom and I chose this curriculum because..."
Oh yes! He thinks I am too easy on them to begin with. I have done an awful job of following through onLike your other two posts I do choose our kids curriculum. I base the decisions on what has worked, but mostly on our goals for their education.
gratitude wrote:Home schooling has forced the issue for me to work on my main parenting weakness which is taking charge. My oldest ds is a natural leader, and I have had to learn to be a leader of a leader. If that makes any sense at all. It meant giving him far less decision making in areas I normally would have allowed.
Did this ever hit home with me!! I could have written this myself about DD! (When she was two her Dr. told me she would be a handful, but would develop into a great leader). My DD is SO persistent when she wants an answer to something. While have been researching curriculum for this year, she constantly makes comments about how she things this looks boring, or that looks boring. I constantly tell her, "I'm just looking." But she just keeps at it!
jasntas wrote:I pick the curriculum. They do it because that's what we are doing. They have no involvement in the choices made and they don't know any different. That doesn't mean they never complain or always willingly participate but I make the decision to change, if change is needed. Not them.
I totally agree with you. I've treated my DD more like an adult than an 8 year old in this situation. She is very mature for her age and often prefers to converse with adults. I having a hard time balancing her maturity and innocence. She is so much like me as a child :~
“A sense of curiosity is nature’s original school of education.” ~Smiley Blanton

Marcee married to Chris (12 years)
DD Keelin (10)
DS Raice (8)

Julie in MN
Posts: 2925
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Location: Minnesota

Re: How much input should a child have?

Unread post by Julie in MN » Thu Aug 26, 2010 1:21 am

Here is my speech to my kids:

A parent's job is to do the very best thing they know how for their kids. If you were a parent, you would want to do the very best thing for your kids, right? (child nods) Right now, that is my job. And I want to do the very best job I can. Some day you will be a parent and you will make these decisions for you child. You may make different decisions than I do. But right now it is *my* responsibility.

I do listen to my kids if they strongly want to say something, but there is a limit to that -- partly because I'm human and partly because they are the child.

Even when I had kids in public school, I was fighting to be able to "parent" them by making decisions that I didn't think a child had the wisdom to make -- especially in high school. So that's how I've always been, even before homeschooling :~

Julie
Julie, married 29 yrs, finding our way without Shane
(http://www.CaringBridge.org/visit/ShaneHansell)
Reid (21) college student; used MFW 3rd-12th grades (2004-2014)
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Marcee
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Re: How much input should a child have?

Unread post by Marcee » Thu Aug 26, 2010 1:49 pm

DD started to bring up what program we would be using today. I diplomatically explained that the decision was not up to her and that daddy and I would choose what we felt was the best fit for her and brother. She didn't like it too much and started to get a bad attitude with some tears. I let her know that she had a right to her feelings, but that they would not change anything. Well, that was that and she quickly got over it. Apparently she thinks that if she can look at what books are offered she will know if she likes the program! I used the old, "you can't judge a book by it's cover." ;)
“A sense of curiosity is nature’s original school of education.” ~Smiley Blanton

Marcee married to Chris (12 years)
DD Keelin (10)
DS Raice (8)

gratitude
Posts: 677
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 11:50 am

Re: How much input should a child have?

Unread post by gratitude » Thu Aug 26, 2010 4:54 pm

Marcee wrote:Well, that was that and she quickly got over it.
Isn't it amazing how quickly they get over it when we take charge!

Your dd sounds like she has a few things in common with my ds. We had a few tears today over a natural consequence that resovled in minutes once he realized I was serious and not backing down.

Thank you for the thread. I feel encouraged.... :)

chatmom
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 9:25 pm

O/T - Discipline

Unread post by chatmom » Fri Aug 27, 2010 6:16 am

jasntas wrote:My 6 y.o. dd has me just beside myself. When she is misbehaving and I try to speak to her about her actions all she does is start screaming or talking over me. I continue to discipline her, such as send her to her room for a set amount of time. Also her time doesn’t start until her mouth is quiet. Sometimes that takes a looong time.

I have tried to talk to her about it at the time, after time outs or taking away of privileges, and even when we are just alone together. Most of the time all I get all over again is the talking over me or screaming because she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say.

Another issue is that she thinks everything should be equal and fair or she should always win or be first, etc. For instance, she doesn’t like that her brother may answer a question she wanted to answer. This is actually how most of the above problems start.

Has anyone had to deal with this type of strong will? How do you handle it?
She is being rude and trying to bully you verbally. Do not engage her in discussion. Be point-blank - "you are being rude and need to go to your room, I will be happy for you to rejoin us when you can show courtesy and kindness". Also, try to catch her being good, praise her when she is doing something right. Consistency is key - point her to scripture - the Bible has a great deal to say about pride, arrogance, stubbornness, an unteachable spirit, etc....when scripture is the standard - it is impossible for anyone to justify their inappropriate actions. If she insists on winning at games - exclude her intentionally from the game, explaining that it simply isn't fun to play with her attitude and then ignore her outburst (or direct her to her room), continue playing the game with your son.

Reading stories like Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle can be helpful, as well. The main character helps the parents deal with bad behavior in their children in rather creative and entertaining ways. It can be easier for a child to discuss bad behavior in light of a fictional character - but then the conversation can be turned for self-examination.

705emily
Posts: 92
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Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by 705emily » Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:05 am

In my case--my dd is now nine--and she still wants to challenge me although it is much less now. In her case--I don't argue with her or get upset with her. (Not always successful there!) I also don't send her to her room. Too many books to read, etc! :) I quietly ask her to stand in the corner (away from us) with her nose to the wall. VERY boring! I also ask her to pray and ask God to make her heart soft, so that she can receive correction. Sometimes it takes longer--but typically after about 5 minutes of this she is ready to rejoin us with a fresh, clean attitude. She usually tells me that she is ashamed of herself and that she is sorry. Your dd needs to understand that when she is challenging your authority--she is challenging what God says is best for her. When she is mad at what you say--she is mad at God.

When my dd was little, I would draw a big circle--and put an X inside it. That was her--choosing to be obedient--and surrounded by God's protection. Outside the circle were danger signs. When she chose disobedience she would be outside the circle of God's protection. She was in danger and needed to be rescued. "Rescuing" was the discipline. My very visual dd would really relate to this--and still today--she will respond to it. Being consistent, and not allowing her to 'rule' you now--is SO important! Praying for you!
Irmi Gaut
MFW K, MFW 1, Adventures, ECC this year!

'And my God shall supply ALL your needs according to his riches in Glory!'

cbollin

Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by cbollin » Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:44 am

I'm sure you'll get a wide variety of answers. Remember though, you don't know any of us in real life to know how our kids are. And, it's hard to know down the road how some things will play out in long term relationships with you. (that's just standard disclaimer, not aimed at anything already said... just standard advice.) Some of this you may not agree with . Ok by me. we'll all different. we have our perspectives based on how it goes in our house and also from whatever books/philosophies we already start with on these issues.
you get the idea...

so, you ask strangers on the internet for their opinion and you get strange opinions. Here are my strange opinions on it.

*make sure there are no physical causes going on. some behaviors can be food reactions, or other things. even right vitamins and foods and such. it makes a huge difference in my life.

*don't engage her in talking to her during these episodes. that will not help. You know that now, but just saying out loud. You can't talk about it when it is happening. She's not mature enough for that. she's 6. Very few children are grown up enough to talk about it. not all grown ups are either.

*the time away starts immediately -- not when she dictates it by keeping talking. Your job is to ignore her while she is trying to delay the start. Don't talk to her. Go do something else and don't show any emotion to her outburst. That way she is learning that 15 minutes (or whatever) means now, not when she gets to say it starts. that was a tough one for me to learn. And don't add time either. that was another one that I had to learn. 30 minutes means 30 minutes. not 30 and then mom gets mad again and it's an add on..... hmmpf.

*on the I wanna win --- make sure you are giving her positive encouragement throughout the day with many things. Part of winning the game is when you play nicely with others. Not if you get the most points.

It sounds to me she feels like you ask him all of the easy stuff. on that aspect, I'd encourage you to get 5 Love Languages (for kids version, or other...) and read it and find out how you can communicate to her that you love her in a way that speaks her love language. She sounds like her love tank is broken and not filled with the right love language. so, a step back to build that part of relationship may be in order.

I'd encourage you to look into a resource out there National Center for Biblical Parenting: Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. It might also be called Effective Parenting. same people, different website organization. Your library may even have some of their books. sigh up for their email tips. If you go through some of their stuff, you'll learn about respect and honor. That way they'll want to change more from the inside in order to be able to accept God's standard.

Parenting is Heart work, as Turanksy and Miller say.

spend lots of time in prayer asking God for wisdom to sort for the things that will work for her. Know that this will not change over night, but God can change her.

-crystal

gratitude
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Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by gratitude » Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:20 am

I liked Crystals disclaimer. Please apply it to me too. After all my ds may be very different from your dd, although I have experienced your situation. You obviously know that when they talk over us it is disrespectful and challenging our authority given to us by God. You also know that some kids are stronger willed and are more willing to challenge.

Our oldest ds is a natural leader, but also very strong willed. The kid who looks for the hole in the fence. Your dd disrespect is one of those moments she is finding a way through the boundaries of your home. My ds loves to talk louder to get persuasive comments across. Of course it isn't tolerated, just as you are not tolerating it. However, a strong willed child will try over and over again.

O.K. so here is what we are doing for what it is worth:

* When he is rude or disrespectful he is often put outside. This actually works when it isn't play time.
* We also use time outs on the steps with a book.
* We also take away privileges that really matter to him.
* We also praise him for good behavior.

Now here is what we are doing outside the incidents that I really do think is helping since the incidents are happening less and less:

* My goal is to shape the will without breaking the spirit.
* My second goal goes along with the scripture that those who love the Lord will obey his commandments.
* My third goal is that he learns to humbly love and obey us & God now, so that later he can humbly love & obey God.

Strong willed kids require us to 'Earn' their respect. It is really difficult to do. I find consistency, a level I don't have naturally, is required to earn his respect. So I keep working on being more consistent, humbling my spirit so he humbles his, and connecting to his heart which he seems to really need in a different way than my other kids (my oldest ds is our strongest willed). Prayers for success! God gave you your dd for a reason, I pray he will give you all the strength you need for the journey.
Last edited by gratitude on Fri Aug 27, 2010 8:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

1974girl
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Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by 1974girl » Fri Aug 27, 2010 11:58 am

when I wanted to buy "Raising a Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson, my parents asked me if I'd just like their copy that they had with me. LOL Actually, having a strong will isn't ALWAYS bad, I made it through college without drinking a drop because I was too strong willed to be influenced by peer pressure.

However, I know exactly what you are going through. My little one hates to lose at anything. We have found that we had to throw the Academy of Pediatrics rule of one min in time out for every year old was not for us. My 6 year old could tough anything out for 6 min. on her bed. So one day, we had her sit on the toilet (lid down) facing the back. How boring was that!!! She sat there for 30 min. I tried the stand in the corner and she was dirtying up my corner! (mom said I did the same thing!) So, we found the toilet worked....but works great for "poopy attitudes".

Another thing that public schools do that they have 3 clothes pins clipped to a jar. If the child misbehaves, they have to take off the pin and drop it in the jar. When 3 are gone, they call mom. If they kept them all, they got a piece of candy. You can tailor this how ever you want. I have a homeschooling mom that lets the kids rent a movie from Redbox on Friday if they were good. Totally worth $1 for peace!
LeAnn-married to dh 17 yrs
Mama to Leah (14) and Annalise (11)
Used from Adventures on and finishing final year (1850-modern) this year
"When you teach your children...you teach your children's children."

gratitude
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Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 11:50 am

Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by gratitude » Fri Aug 27, 2010 1:22 pm

1974girl wrote:because I was too strong willed to be influenced by peer pressure.
Me too. I have resisted a ton of peer pressure on many issues. Thanks for the reminder of the good sides.

I will add in agreement that the Dr. Dobson words on strong willed kids are very helpful.

jasntas
Posts: 469
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:10 pm

Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by jasntas » Fri Aug 27, 2010 4:01 pm

Thank you so much for all the advice. I do realize that I am asking a bunch of strangers but I also know that I am asking a lot of seasoned moms. :)

It's also nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one out there with a strong willed one and that I'm not the only one that struggles with it.

Today has gone much smoother. I tried extra hard not to let the situations get out of hand. (Dealing with her and keeping my cool is so exhausting but worth it.)

I have been told that I am strong willed. I never believed it until I began to see the same characteristics in her. The area we are totally different in is how um, outspoken she is. I don't remember being that way. Well, not until I was a teenager anyway. Oh man! I am not looking forward to those years. I was also more like an only child so no real sibling rivalry and no one to really compare myself to. (My brother is almost 8 years older than I am.)

Crystal, I do give her the easier questions to answer. I also try to have them take turns when they are answering questions. But she does this, "I wanted to say tiger", or whatever. And, "Why didn't I get that question". She is very competitive. The funny thing is my ds is the opposite. Very laid back and non competitive. Well, unless it's with her. Now I know why God waited so long to bless us with children and why He only gave us 2. ;)

I also looked into the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle books. I can get those through an interlibrary loan. Thanks.

Not long ago someone mentioned a book on another thread called Proverbs for Parenting. I checked into it and it was a little pricey for me right now and there was a long waiting list on paperbackswap for it. I've got it on my wish list to purchase when I can as I think it might help me direct both my dc to scripture when needed.

My dh and my desire is for both our dc to serve Christ and use their God given talents, strong will or easy going, for Him.

Thanks again for all the advice. :)
Tammie - Wife to James for 27 years
Mom to Justin (15) and Carissa (12)
ADV & K 2009-2010 . . . RTR (again) & WHL 2016-2017
http://tammiestime.blogspot.com/
The days of a mother are long but the years are short.

alisoncooks
Posts: 27
Joined: Mon Aug 17, 2009 12:44 pm

Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by alisoncooks » Sat Aug 28, 2010 9:01 am

I don't know if I have ever posted here, but I often lurk. I have a 4 year old "strong-willed" girl and this thread caught my eye. The following comments were REALLY helpful/encouraging to me (we just had a big conflict last night, struggle of the wills):
...I also ask her to pray and ask God to make her heart soft, so that she can receive correction. Sometimes it takes longer--but typically after about 5 minutes of this she is ready to rejoin us with a fresh, clean attitude. She usually tells me that she is ashamed of herself and that she is sorry. Your dd needs to understand that when she is challenging your authority--she is challenging what God says is best for her. When she is mad at what you say--she is mad at God.

When my dd was little, I would draw a big circle--and put an X inside it. That was her--choosing to be obedient--and surrounded by God's protection. Outside the circle were danger signs. When she chose disobedience she would be outside the circle of God's protection. She was in danger and needed to be rescued. "Rescuing" was the discipline. My very visual dd would really relate to this--and still today--she will respond to it. Being consistent, and not allowing her to 'rule' you now--is SO important! Praying for you!...
I'd encourage you to look into a resource out there National Center for Biblical Parenting: Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. It might also be called Effective Parenting. same people, different website organization. Your library may even have some of their books. sigh up for their email tips. If you go through some of their stuff, you'll learn about respect and honor. That way they'll want to change more from the inside in order to be able to accept God's standard.
* My goal is to shape the will without breaking the spirit.

* My second goal goes along with the scripture that those who love the Lord will obey his commandments.

* My third goal is that he learns to humbly love and obey us & God now, so that later he can humbly love & obey God.
Thank you for sharing the ways that you teach your children to be God's children.
Married to DH since 2000, with 2 sweet girls (2006 & 2008).

TracieClaiborne
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:29 pm

Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by TracieClaiborne » Wed Sep 01, 2010 1:52 am

I have a child that is so strong willed she will hit me and fight me tooth and nail if I try to spank her, put her in time out or take things away from her.

It was finally so out of control that I had to take Dr. Phil's advice and take her down to a bed and the floor. I literally locked up everything she owned in her room and locked it. Then I put her on an airbed in the hallway and she had nothing to play with. After a few weeks of having nothing, she started to realize, she HAD to change. This was at age 9.

After that, it was like something clicked in her head and she has been on the path to better behavior for MONTHS. She is now *almost* a perfect child. She can still be a little sassy if I am not sweet myself but for the most part, she is helpful, in a good mood and knows her boundaries. We still have a bad day every once in a while but I showed her that I mean business. I will NOT tolerate the craziness that was our life.

I also realized that a lot of it was me being grumpy because I had taken on too much and I initiated the bad attitude in her by having a bad attitude myself. God held up a big mirror to me and I was disappointed in myself. I still have a long way to go but we are in a season of peace right now and I'm loving it. Hang in there....you just have to stay strong and be consistent.

jasntas
Posts: 469
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:10 pm

Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by jasntas » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:48 am

Sorry about bringing this subject up again but I just wanted to thank everyone again for the encouragement and report that it has been going much smoother.

I think I discovered the main problem. She was feeling overlooked in other areas of her life and it seemed to manifest itself during school time. I had been so busy preparing for school and other events we have had going on that I wasn't showing her any individual attention.

I suddenly realized it the other night when she asked me to watch her sing with one of her cd's and I told her I didn't have time. Maybe tomorrow. She then told me I'm always too busy. Then it hit me. I stopped what I was doing and we had a wonderful time together, just the two of us, singing. (I hope no one else heard me. :~ )

Now I'm trying to remember to show her a little individual attention frequently.

She is still strong willed but usually not so over the top.

BTW, the other day I was going through some old books and I ran across the Dobson book 'The Strong Willed Child'. My employer at the time gave me the book used when I had my ds. She didn't know if I would need it or not but she was going to get rid of it and thought of me. Hmm, wonder why? ;) I never needed it with my first, easy going one but I'm glad I found it again.

I also wanted to thank TracieClaiborne for being willing to share your really tough situation. You let me know that no matter how bad it gets, it is possible to bring them back. Thank you.

Thanks again for all the advice and support. :-)
Tammie - Wife to James for 27 years
Mom to Justin (15) and Carissa (12)
ADV & K 2009-2010 . . . RTR (again) & WHL 2016-2017
http://tammiestime.blogspot.com/
The days of a mother are long but the years are short.

Cyndi (AZ)
Posts: 543
Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:22 pm

Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by Cyndi (AZ) » Mon Sep 06, 2010 12:52 pm

jasntas wrote:I suddenly realized it the other night when she asked me to watch her sing with one of her cd's and I told her I didn't have time. Maybe tomorrow. She then told me I'm always too busy. Then it hit me. I stopped what I was doing and we had a wonderful time together, just the two of us, singing. (I hope no one else heard me. :~ )
((HUGS)) Yep. Been there. Don't like to admit it, but yep.
2018/19: US1877
used MFW from K through WHL

doubleportion
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Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by doubleportion » Mon Sep 06, 2010 8:46 pm

cbollin wrote:*make sure there are no physical causes going on. some behaviors can be food reactions, or other things. even right vitamins and foods and such. it makes a huge difference in my life.
-crystal
Having to agree here. My middle ds has been diagnosed with multiple complex food allergies as well as environmental. On the days when he has been exposed to an allergen he can be completely out of control and reasoning, spanking, or anything else doesn't work at all. If anything discipline just seems to heighten his out of control state.

I recently read a wonderful book on discipline by Lisa Whelchel called Creative Correction. It is the first book that I have ever read on discipline that gives you tools to discipling without preaching at you that there is a specific method you have to follow. She admits that all children are different and what will be effective with one may not be effective with another. I found it in my local library. She has a son with major seasonal allergies and his acting out sounded just like my middle guy when he doesn't feel good.

Many days my final solution has been to give the Incredible Hulk a dose of Benadryl and send him to bed. He wakes up human and we all are able to move on with our day.

Never easy whatever the source is for the behavior and incredibly exhausting for all involved. I can greatly empathize. I do know that our sweet Father in Heaven gave that child to you and He will give you the strength and wisdom how to raise her in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

I'll be praying for you.
Edie

jasntas
Posts: 469
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:10 pm

Re: O/T - Discipline

Unread post by jasntas » Tue Sep 07, 2010 10:11 am

doubleportion wrote:I recently read a wonderful book on discipline by Lisa Whelchel called Creative Correction.
It's funny you mention that book, Edie. I actually have a signed copy from Lisa herself. She spoke at a women's conference I went to early last spring. (She is an awesome speaker, BTW).

I don't think her moods are due to food allergies or seasonal allergies. I'm no Dr. but it doesn't seem to fit. Thank you Edie and Crystal for mentioning it though. I'll keep an eye on it as a possibility.

She does seem to be pretty high maintenance and does require a lot of attention.
cbollin wrote:
jasntas wrote: I think I discovered the main problem. She was feeling overlooked in other areas of her life....
Now I'm trying to remember to show her a little individual attention frequently.
that is what I was trying to communicate to you with the suggestion of Love Language book. ;) sounds like quality time may be her primary Love Language.... fill that love tank each day. but at that age, they need all of the love languages frequently. that book explains it easily. available widely, maybe even library.

((hugs)))) glad it's going a bit better. I was thinking about you today.
Crystal, thank you for the Love Language book suggestion. I just requested it from my library.

Now, if I can just find (or make) the time to read, read, read.

Thanks again for all the great advice ladies. :-)
Tammie - Wife to James for 27 years
Mom to Justin (15) and Carissa (12)
ADV & K 2009-2010 . . . RTR (again) & WHL 2016-2017
http://tammiestime.blogspot.com/
The days of a mother are long but the years are short.

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