Encouragement/Ideas: Help with attitudes, unmotivated,

Art, Foreign Language, Music, Nature Walks, as well as general ideas and encouragement
cbollin

My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by cbollin » Mon Jul 11, 2011 4:48 pm

kaiakai wrote:I am really excited about homeschooling (starting with MFWK in August). However, one of my pet peeves is when people say that they "can't" do something, and Miss K says this so much!! About stuff that she really *Could* do, or sometimes it's something that might require a little practice. It's usually accompanied by pouting, which makes it even worse. This issue coming up while homeschooling is probably one of my biggest fears and I'm hoping to find a good way of dealing with it or a way to eliminate it before we start school. I can quote Phil. 4:13 until I'm blue in the face, tell her that if she SAYS that she can't then there is a good chance that she can't (and encourage her to say that she CAN!)

Any ideas?
(((hugs)))

I know when I say something like "can't", it is sometimes an expression of fear on my part. I can't get on a stage with a microphone and talk for an hour while teaching exercise! eek! my headset will fall off and I look like a dork on stage! (well duh.. actually I can get on stage)
Other times it's a legit recognition that I lack ability. I can't do high impact cardio exercise (due to knee and ankle and hip injuries). I can't do that routine with the cool arm things on the latest routine set. It's frustrating to say the least.

I wonder.... do you think it's just a 4 year old thing with her and she just might need you to say "I will help you learn".... or "You can't do it just yet... but you will be able to soon. Let's get you there." I might tend to avoid the scripture quote you mentioned as it's kinda abstract for that age in my limited opinion, others will disagree. I might with my kids say "I think we can do it together. and lean on God's help for it since his word gives us a promise."

If it's a pet peeve thing, make sure you ignore it as needed. ;) Give her specific non pet peeve language to use in place of the phrase that bothers you. (that applies no matter what the phrase is. I can't... becomes either "I'm nervous about that!" or "I need your help to do it." give her specific things that she can say that are more accurate of what she is really saying.

When you get to the T T turtle lesson, maybe that will help her a bit more -- I don't quit; I persevere. It will become a little more concrete then and

remember, pick and glean the parts that apply and ignore those that don't.
-crystal

TriciaMR
Posts: 998
Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2007 11:43 am

Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by TriciaMR » Mon Jul 11, 2011 4:49 pm

Break it down into smaller tasks...

You say, "Pick up your toys."

She says, "I can't."

You say, "I'll help you. Pick up just the doll and I'll pick up her bottle." "Great!" "Now pick up 2 blocks and I'll get 2 blocks." Then, gradually increase what you're picking up until the toys are picked up.

You say, "Write your name." She says, "I can't." You say, "I'll help you. Put your pencil on this dot. Good, draw a straight line down and bump the bottom line. Yes! Now pick up your pencil and put it here. Now, draw a line so it kicks the pole you just drew right in the middle...." Etc...

Sometimes they think they can't because the never have. So you demonstrate, and have them copy you or maybe you guide their hands. Sometimes they're tired. Then you give them a boost (maybe you help, maybe you take a break for a snack/nap, etc). Sometimes if you make it a "you help mommy" game, they'll do it because they're "helping."

When you start blending, she'll say, "I can't." So you say, "Watch and listen to mommy, and then do and say exactly like mommy. /t/-/a/ - /ta/ (while you're running your fingers under the letters). Now you try."

I have one boy who says "I can't" or "it's too much," a lot, so I tend to break it down to smaller chunks for him.

-Trish
Trish - Wife to Phil, Mom to Toni(18), Charlie(14), and Trent(14)
2014-2015 - AHL, CTG
2015-2016 - WHL, RTR
2016-2017 - EXP1850, US1877
2017-2018 - DE, 1850MOD
2018-2019 - College, AHL
My blog

cbollin

Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by cbollin » Mon Jul 11, 2011 4:53 pm

Trish and I were typing near same time...... just saying I agree with her post and those practical steps on those things to help get them there a little at a time.

-crystal

kaiakai
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Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by kaiakai » Mon Jul 11, 2011 6:01 pm

Thanks for the suggestions. Regarding the scripture verse, we actually have a couple of stories that explain it and I have talked about it with her so I don't think it is that abstract. For a while she told me that she doesn't like to ask God for help ( I think we have gotten past that somewhat)
It seems like she just shuts down and is so reluctant to try anything that I suggest to help her, and she doesn't have (or doesn't express) any ideas of her own that could help her when I talk to her about it after the fact. I try to find the heart issue of it and unravel it, but the pouting drives me BATTY.. then it takes hours for her to snap out of the mood.

For example, today we were down at the lake and she decided that she wanted to stand on a noodle underwater. After trying it once or twice, she got all grumpy and started up with the "I can't" business. I gave her a couple suggestions to try and she wouldn't even try them.. just got more "I can'ts". Now I don't know if it is physically possible for her to stand on the noodle! - the problem for me was that instead of enjoying being in the water she started pouting and she refuses to do anything that would help her (we encounter this in other areas, too, sometimes.. and after a little bit of the whining and negativity I lose all desire to even try to help her more. I do instinctively break it down into smaller chunks, though.
I hope this is just a phase.. and I hope that the t-t-turtle lesson will help, too.

CHanging out the "I can't " to another phrase is a good idea... I'll suggest that to her and see what she thinks about it. I suspect that 'I can't' just rolls off the tongue so easily! :P {shudder}
~Kai
http://thecatinthetree.blogspot.com
Mom to Kiira (5) and Hana (2)

cbollin

Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by cbollin » Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:16 pm

Parenting can be “heart” work, yes?

again, I'm just one person with my kids and my stories. I'm no expert and don't claim to be one. but I'm still typing anyway. You can ignore what isn't applicable and glean from other parts.

In terms of the noodle incident, I would have simply said “oh ok...” and ended the conversation at that point and done something else. Maybe a quick hug if needed if my child was really upset. But probably would have taken the “ooh.. that looked fun anyway.” approach. I would have done something to make it fun and laughable and move on moment. She sounds creative and willing to try stuff and knew when to stop for a while. Sounds like she'll enjoy science experiments if you let her ease back into it when she's had time to think a little longer. I think she'll make a wonderful scientist in her schooling in your home. Take chances, make mistakes is the mantra! wahoo! So, I"m happy dancing at her creativity and willingness to try and know when to quit. (psst.... sitting on the noodle works better than standing.)

so... that's one other thing to see in all of this... when there is a personality thing going on... ask God "show me how you are able to use it, and show me what needs to be corrected in me and her".


in addition to the conflicting ideas you'll get over here...(I'm in my mid 40's since you can't see me in person to know any of that)
I'd like to recommend that you seek out older moms in your real life settings whom you have some admiration and watch them and ask them “how did you deal with this kind of normal 4 year old behavior with your 2nd and 3rd child.” Find the wise child care worker at your church (or wise grandma) and work alongside her in church and watch how she handles it. Repeat what works. Ask older moms and expect a few chuckles along the way as they say and laugh "ah.. it's your first born right?." It usually means "I made the same mistakes and survived and you will too". so... giggle giggle... I made similar mistakes with oldest. Trying to make her response like an adult before she could.

for reading and learning on your own....
I'd like to recommend you check out National Center for Biblical Parenting and get some of their materials to deal with “heart work” parenting and Respect and honor. They made the mistakes too, but learned and like to help others along the way. I like their stuff because it is solid and I like the role play they do. It really helps to see and hear ways to do it. They play the child/teen who rolls the eyes, etc. so you get a real feel for it. Other people like different books and resources. It's just one that clicked with me.

Hang in there... you'll adjust with your first born. We all do. I know you can do this. I had a kid just like it and I was a mom like you with all of the eek feelings of eek! It may not have been the same things exactly, but enough similarities. You'll have plenty of hair pulling days (just like the rest of us). You'll have plenty of days of "wow God! you really did call me to do this and wow... look at what You did today with them? thank you"

You'll grow from homeschooling. You'll question yourself many days. we all do. You'll grow in confidence. You'll hug your child. You'll cry with them. You'll get mad in the car at each other. You'll be happy that you can go on vacation any time of year.

You'll have days/years where you wonder if you messed up the kids or kept them from serving God. Then you'll have days where HE shines through your fears and tears.

-crystal

Julie in MN
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Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by Julie in MN » Mon Jul 11, 2011 8:57 pm

Age 4 is my least favorite age. I think of it as step 2 of the terrible 2's. And I don't take much of what a 4-year-old does as a permanent part of their character.

With my 4yo grandson, who stays with us a lot while his mom works, I tend to just tell him the way I know he should do things, and then if he's not budging, I tell him that I realize he's little, but there is a better way for when he gets bigger. So I acknowledge his problems and bring them out in the open, but I don't demand that he make all the changes right now. And I do think he's listening.

Just one way of looking at 4yos and their various attitudes.
Julie
Julie, married 29 yrs, finding our way without Shane
(http://www.CaringBridge.org/visit/ShaneHansell)
Reid (21) college student; used MFW 3rd-12th grades (2004-2014)
Alexandra (29) mother; hs from 10th grade (2002)
Travis (32) engineer; never hs

kaiakai
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Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by kaiakai » Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:55 am

cbollin wrote:Parenting can be “heart” work, yes?
oh, yes. I'm trying more and more to focus on and reveal the heart issue when things like this come up...
In terms of the noodle incident, I would have simply said “oh ok...” and ended the conversation at that point and done something else. Maybe a quick hug if needed if my child was really upset. But probably would have taken the “ooh.. that looked fun anyway.” approach. I would have done something to make it fun and laughable and move on moment. She sounds creative and willing to try stuff and knew when to stop for a while. Sounds like she'll enjoy science experiments if you let her ease back into it when she's had time to think a little longer. I think she'll make a wonderful scientist in her schooling in your home. Take chances, make mistakes is the mantra! wahoo! So, I"m happy dancing at her creativity and willingness to try and know when to quit. (psst.... sitting on the noodle works better than standing.)
The noodle incident, LOL. Interestingly enough... and this is why I'm so thankful to have places like this to vent and discuss... as I type things out I often have aha! moments. ...you mentioned her being a scientist. Well, I don't think she knew when to stop.. it took me saying we had better stop and go up to the house, but later that afternoon we had a little talk about it, and In the evening we went for another swim (in lieu of baths, LOL, gotta love summer) and she picked up the noodle and started trying again, almost started getting grumpy but I caught her and said something like, "you're not getting grumpy, are you?" and she turned it around and tried some more and seemed to be enjoying it more. So you hit the nail on the head with the integration & thinking time.
so... that's one other thing to see in all of this... when there is a personality thing going on... ask God "show me how you are able to use it, and show me what needs to be corrected in me and her".

and this is the heart issue of it for ME... I do see a little clash in our personalities and I think that I sometimes don't approach or teach her in the best way for her
in addition to the conflicting ideas you'll get over here...(I'm in my mid 40's since you can't see me in person to know any of that)
I'd like to recommend that you seek out older moms in your real life settings whom you have some admiration and watch them and ask them “how did you deal with this kind of normal 4 year old behavior with your 2nd and 3rd child.” Find the wise child care worker at your church (or wise grandma) and work alongside her in church and watch how she handles it.
actually I am getting together with a wonderful lady this week that a dear friend of mine introduced me to, her mentor. she came and talked at our MOPS meeting some months ago on issues like this.
I'd like to recommend you check out National Center for Biblical Parenting
thanks, I'll check it out
Hang in there... you'll adjust with your first born. We all do. I know you can do this.
Haha! And then I'll be ready for a WHOLE other set of challenges with my second.. she is sooooo different... 8[]

sorry for the horrible run on sentences and general misuse of punctuation &)
~Kai
http://thecatinthetree.blogspot.com
Mom to Kiira (5) and Hana (2)

kaiakai
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Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by kaiakai » Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:56 am

Julie in MN wrote:Age 4 is my least favorite age. I think of it as step 2 of the terrible 2's. And I don't take much of what a 4-year-old does as a permanent part of their character.

Just one way of looking at 4yos and their various attitudes.
Julie
love that! terrible twos squared!

thanks!
~Kai
http://thecatinthetree.blogspot.com
Mom to Kiira (5) and Hana (2)

alisoncooks
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Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by alisoncooks » Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:16 am

Julie in MN wrote:Age 4 is my least favorite age. I think of it as step 2 of the terrible 2's. And I don't take much of what a 4-year-old does as a permanent part of their character.
:) I like that and will have to remember it!

My daughter (newly turned 5) often gets acute cases of the grumpy "I-can'ts". For her, a big part of the problem is that she is old enough to think about how she WANTS things to be done and she can envision her desired end result (i.e. she wants to draw a cat that looks just like _____, or she sees someone doing _____ and she wants to also). The problem is that often she is just currently incapable of doing so, or she doesn't know how to get to that point. She also wants to do these things ON HER OWN...so frustration ensues.

I think it just will take time for their abilities to catch up with their imaginations, so they can actually do what they think they already can (but can't). I'm sure I'm rambling, LOL. But I just wanted to chime in with a "hang in there!" and appreciation for the words of wisdom from the wise moms above!
Married to DH since 2000, with 2 sweet girls (2006 & 2008).

momem3
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Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:20 pm

Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by momem3 » Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:54 am

My first year homeschooling was last year, so you can take or leave my comments. I'm not exactly "seasoned".

We were having many "I can'ts", "it's too hard", "I don't want to" at the beginning of last year. I was sooo frazzled. Then, I came up with a list of school rules that worked for us. So far, these are the only school rules we have needed but they center around this issue.

#1. "No" is prohibited.
#2. "I can't" is prohibited.
#3. You must at least try everything. If you need Mommy's help, I will always help you.
#4. Nothing is too hard if you at least try it. Mommy appreciates any and all effort put into your work!

For some reason, this worked. I think they needed it on paper that I was going to help them...and they needed to know that effort is as important as getting it "right". I will say that we had a few days of eye-rolling, sighing and moaning on their part...but that was much better than me asking one time for them to do something and them telling me "I can't" before it even hit the table. I also did a little "Mommy psychology" on them. This might sound evil but I would start telling them "I can't" when they'd ask me to do things. Oh wow! They did NOT like that. I would explain that Mommy feels that way when they tell me they are unable to do things. lol...still chuckling thinking about their reactions to those interactions! hehehe...5 and 6 year olds do not like being told that Mommy can't get them some milk because it is too hard!

Good luck! I really have no insight into the whining...have been dealing with that since my youngest DD was born. She still whines about everything, and she's now 5.
Emily
mom & teacher to:
DS - 8yo, ECC
DD - 7yo, ECC and activities through neurodevelopmentalist
DD - 6yo, ECC and MFW 1st
DS - 3yo, he is He-Man and he does 'have the power'!

Julie in MN
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Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by Julie in MN » Tue Jul 12, 2011 5:23 pm

momem3 wrote:For some reason, this worked.
You never know what will work, do you ?!
Julie, married 29 yrs, finding our way without Shane
(http://www.CaringBridge.org/visit/ShaneHansell)
Reid (21) college student; used MFW 3rd-12th grades (2004-2014)
Alexandra (29) mother; hs from 10th grade (2002)
Travis (32) engineer; never hs

cbollin

Re: My greatest fear & pet peeve: "I CAN'T!"

Unread post by cbollin » Wed Jul 13, 2011 8:13 am

Julie in MN wrote: And I don't take much of what a 4-year-old does as a permanent part of their character.
Thank you for saying that. I know too often these fear tactic workshop speakers out there insist that if you don't have them by age 4 or 5, then they are lost forever so you better do this and that and this and that. And I think that's just baloney. So it's nice to hear someone with generational thinking say otherwise.

edit to add: or the ones who claim "we get rid of all character issues by age 2" by following xyz method. rolling my eyes... Whatever you pat yourself on the back for when they are age 2.... giggle... you ain't done yet.

-crystal

TriciaMR
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Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2007 11:43 am

need help with time management, ideas for movivating

Unread post by TriciaMR » Sat Sep 29, 2012 4:15 pm

garness wrote:We are doing adventures with my 2nd grade daughter. I have a very unmotivated child, who takes forever to write anything or do her math. She enjoys the history and science of course since its mainly just reading and experiments or activities. She is an excellent reader. Getting her to do any writing assignment or math practice is a daily frustration. Any ideas?

How can the projects be spread out a little better? For instance today we are suppose to do an sun art activity, planting corn activity, writing summery assignment and then the regular work as well (math, reading, science, english, etc). And I haven't even started any english/spelling yet. (PS, it's already 4pm)

I feel like I really like this curriculum, but I don't know how to motivate my daughter and get done within a reasonable time.
We do all the 3R's (Spelling, Math, Math Drill, English, Handwriting) after Bible, but before History and Science, that seems to help motivate kids here. Setting a timer can help. Say, "I'm going to set the timer for 20 minutes. If you finish your work before the timer goes off, you can have the extra time as free time. If not, then we will go on to the next thing, and you will have to finish your work later, plus go to bed 1/2 hour earlier since you are too tired to work quickly." Or something along those lines.

Math drill: xtramath.org is really good, and I have MathBlaster on my iPad. I set the timer for 15 minutes, they do xtramath.org first, and then the rest of time they do MathBlaster.
garness wrote:THanks for the ideas.
I do feel like the majority of my day is spent saying things like "stop wiggling, sit up straight, put your legs down". She just is constantly distracted and goes nuts when I tell her I'm going to time her.
Its also a problem with the rest of our life. Getting her to do a simple chore takes and hour. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, daily activities. She has to be told constantly.
Oooh, a wiggly kid...

I wouldn't worry about the wiggles (even though they annoy you to no end - I've got 3 kids who vary from ), because my dd was that for a long while. I had her sit at an exercise ball at a low table to do her work - that way she could bounce, but still write. And for read aloud time and history, I let her bounce on the exercise ball or (now as she is older) knit or crochet. For something like handwriting, I do make them sit up properly, but any other assignment I don't care. I even bought lapdesks so they could sit where ever they want (stairs, floor, couch, etc) to do their notebook pages. We've done math on the floor, at the couch, at a low table, and at their desks. I also think that allowing them to move after they finish - say bounce on a mini-trampoline for 2 minutes, can help.

-Trish
Trish - Wife to Phil, Mom to Toni(18), Charlie(14), and Trent(14)
2014-2015 - AHL, CTG
2015-2016 - WHL, RTR
2016-2017 - EXP1850, US1877
2017-2018 - DE, 1850MOD
2018-2019 - College, AHL
My blog

cbollin

Re: need help with time management, ideas for motivating

Unread post by cbollin » Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:20 am

She sounds like a sensory seeker :) It's ok to let them stand, wiggle, dance, etc... as long as they are paying attention. Sometimes forcing the sitting creates a lot of tension in their bodies and makes it take longer. I watched on Wed. Thur. and Fri last week as my 17 y.o was in melt down.... she couldn't sit at computer to type half a page summary of main idea of whatever it was in US1. oh yeah... Federalist paper #10.. summarize the MAIN idea..... you would have thought we were asking her to rewrite the entire work!
she had to talk out loud about the assignment. \she was making it waaaaaaaaay harder than it really was.

anyway.. all of that to say... not all homeschooling has to be sit perfectly still. ;) (and this is my 11th grader who did very well on her ACT a few weeks ago.. . first go at that test)
and to also say that writer's block can make things take longer.

For ideas on writing assignments..... in Adventures, those notebook summary pages are 3-5 sentences. Many children at this age need to go through a few steps to write those...... They need to say it out loud and narrate the material to you. You help them by writing their own words on something like dry erase board. Then, together, edit it on the dry erase board. Have student copy final product on paper. Writing is a major process. And she may be stuck the way my 11th grader was with her assignment. It is a very normal part of writing instructor at this phase of their education to do that level of "double dictation"

For other English assignments..... are you using MFW recommendations? Plenty of PLL can be done out loud, or at dry erase board for variety.

math - xtramath is good for drills...... anything that is active for this child for that...

You might look into some books out there to have some variety in the day to help their bodies move around more. Either physical activity, or "sensory games". Out of Sync Child has Fun - might offer some ideas.

I know not all children need that . And with some children, it is the wrong tool to have them break up a seat task followed by active task. It'll be trial and error on your part to find the balance on that. I know some children never get back to seat work once they bounce. And I know others who can sit for 30 minutes and then have to bounce for 5 minutes to be able to go for another 30 minutes of seat work.

in terms of motivating your child? no advice there. ;) some kids just don't like school work. my youngest..... not something she is motivated to.

it's ok to work alongside your child. You might get more done that way. I do. again... it's not cookie cutter.

-crystal

MelissaB
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Re: need help with time management, ideas for motivating

Unread post by MelissaB » Sun Sep 30, 2012 3:28 pm

Ditto all of the previous advice: Timer - yes, absolutely do it in spite of all fit throwing. Exercise ball: Some school districts in our state are allowing students to sit on exercise balls in public schools because studies are showing movement of any kind (hands, etc.) improves focus and concentration. We take 5 min. exercise breaks any time my girls are acting mopey or tired during school.

Also, I love the resources at titus2.com. Managers of Their Schools is awesome. Homeschooling with a Meek & Quiet Spirit - aahhhh, what a change it makes. I read it each year before we start school.
Melissa B. (Arkansas)
Girls ages 16 & 13
Completed K, 1st, and Investigate {ECC; CTG; RTR; Expl.-1850; and 1850-Mod. Times}
"That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,.." Titus 2:4

Julie in MN
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CTG- a few questions

Unread post by Julie in MN » Wed Jul 10, 2013 11:13 am

albanyaloe wrote:I'm feeling so dejected about homeschooling at the moment that I suppose the wisest thing is to wait before making a decision. My children are just being so difficult and anti-school.

Thank you again,
Lindy
Aw, Lindy, <<hugs>> over to you in South Africa. I totally have had those times over the years. And now at the end of 11th grade my ds seems to be shaking me off like a wet dog shaking off water (I'll have to watch one of those YouTube videos of that to make myself laugh instead of cry LOL).

The thing I try to keep in mind is that my public schooled kids were no different and I had less control over what to focus on then. Why, I even try to remember that Adam and Eve gave their Father some trouble along the way ;)

Parenting -- the most important job just has to be the most difficult, doesn't it?
Julie
Julie, married 29 yrs, finding our way without Shane
(http://www.CaringBridge.org/visit/ShaneHansell)
Reid (21) college student; used MFW 3rd-12th grades (2004-2014)
Alexandra (29) mother; hs from 10th grade (2002)
Travis (32) engineer; never hs

unitlovinmama
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CTG- a few questions

Unread post by unitlovinmama » Wed Jul 10, 2013 11:53 am

Hugs to you as you struggle with grouchy learners. I totally understand this. My oldest two will tell me they don't like school and it hurts me, but then they are begging me to read another chapter, or listening to various audiobooks on CD, or creating things on their own. They just don't like the seat work. It must be done, but how to do it cheerfully? I am at a loss there too, but I think you are right to rest and wait a bit before making a big decision on curriculum. I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job!
-Stephanie, HSing for 5 yrs, first year with MFW 2012-1013 (ECC).
Wife of 12 yrs, mama to three crazy but amazing kids (9, 7, and 3)
"May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us..." Psalm 90:17

TriciaMR
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Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2007 11:43 am

Re: CTG- a few questions

Unread post by TriciaMR » Wed Jul 10, 2013 4:10 pm

Maybe your dh can do a good cop/bad cop routine on the kids to motivate them... My dh helps in that way when the kids need a "talking to." - Though usually I'm the bad cop :)
Trish - Wife to Phil, Mom to Toni(18), Charlie(14), and Trent(14)
2014-2015 - AHL, CTG
2015-2016 - WHL, RTR
2016-2017 - EXP1850, US1877
2017-2018 - DE, 1850MOD
2018-2019 - College, AHL
My blog

Julie in MN
Posts: 2925
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2004 3:44 pm
Location: Minnesota

Re: CTG- a few questions

Unread post by Julie in MN » Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:35 pm

albanyaloe wrote:Thanks Julie, you're so sweet to take time to reply. I really needed that tonight.

I realise that sending the children off to school is not the answer to this at all, and thankfully, the idea isn't even appealing to me, our government schools (read affordable) are really not so great. We have such a calling to homeschool as a family and I am just crying out to the Lord, I don't know why it is so hard. I am exhausted from coaxing everyone to do work and trying to stop the dawdling.

My friend popped in to visit today, and she said that when her children did that, she simply stopped schooling them till they asked her, and from then on, they applied themselves much better. She told me that another friend stopped the moaning by giving the children the option of schooling cheerfully or pulling out weeds and digging, on their farm. The children thought that being outdoors was great fun, but the novelty of manual labor wore off after two days- and they returned to their books eagerly, with not a smattering. Sounds harsh, but perhaps I have been far too soft and should take a tip from them?

You are so right, and even some Bible children rebelled a little on occasion, and we're not perfect. It's just finding the wisdom in dealing with it... where to be tough and where to be gentle, that is challenging. And of course we have our personality mix! Ah, the joys :-)

Thanks so much for you post.
Lindy
It's always interesting reading different strategies for getting kids back in line for school -- both your friends' and the others sharing on your thread here.

I thought I'd throw a few more random thoughts in the mix. It's always hard to guess what will work with a particular child or family.

- There have been times when I allowed my son to bring suggestions to the table. I have told him the very basics that we must do or learn, and asked for his suggestions on how to accomplish those goals. Sometimes he had an interesting idea or a small change that was easy to implement; other times he just agreed that I should decide.

- There have been times when I gave options like playing dice games for math and English and other subjects. I think my son in 3rd grade played math games for 6 weeks before I eased back into math lessons. The only non-option is doing nothing.

- Sometimes having a break every 20 minutes was necessary, especially during nice weather. I had a list or index cards of things -- snack, run around the house, 10 jumping jacks, etc.

- Sometimes during the actual lesson, my son needed to be "doing" something, such as bouncing on a giant exercise ball or using his chin-up bar. I would test him on occasion to be sure he could tell me what I just said.

- Here are some more ideas:
wiggly kids http://board.mfwbooks.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1196
do all kids like school http://board.mfwbooks.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=3909
when discouraged http://board.mfwbooks.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=6415
kids unmotivated http://board.mfwbooks.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=871
kids grumbling http://board.mfwbooks.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=3967
modeling time management http://board.mfwbooks.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=3684

I just hope you really, really get the idea that you aren't alone and that we are all right there with you. Blessings,
Julie
Julie, married 29 yrs, finding our way without Shane
(http://www.CaringBridge.org/visit/ShaneHansell)
Reid (21) college student; used MFW 3rd-12th grades (2004-2014)
Alexandra (29) mother; hs from 10th grade (2002)
Travis (32) engineer; never hs

Poohbee
Posts: 394
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:38 pm
Location: North Dakota

How do you deal with a poor attitude?

Unread post by Poohbee » Thu Aug 21, 2014 7:48 am

klewfor3 wrote:Hello MFW mom's,
I am just getting ready to start school next Monday and I thought I could tap into you all to find out how you deal with a contagious poor attitude. I have a 5th grader this year and he tends to set the tone in the room. It is tough to always start out correcting or disciplining so I want to be pro-active.

Last year I found and bought very fun reward dice at a local education store and then picked up reward sheets. Every day my kids came to the school table without grumbling, they got a dot. If they memorized their verse, they got a dot. Any 100% on math or spelling, they got another dot. After something like 30 dots they got to roll the dice and choose between 2 rewards. This worked well last year but I want to freshen it up. Any ideas? I'd love to hear anything you'd suggest!

Woo-hoo to a new school year!!
Kathy

Three great years with MFW and looking forward to our fourth!
5th grade ds - RTR
3rd grade dd - RTR
1st grade dd - MFW1st
16 mos. ds
I've had to deal with poor attitudes in my girls (ages 13 and 9). This summer, I just had a talk with them, telling them that I don't appreciate their negative attitudes and I want them to work really hard to be more positive about school. I told them that I know that some school subjects are hard and not always fun, but I do my best to make our learning together enjoyable, and I want us all to do our best to enjoy the journey. I try not to bash public school when I talk to my kids about homeschooling, but I pointed out that if they think their day is long now, it would be even longer if they were attending public school, with a full day at school and probably a great deal of homework at night, especially for my middle schooler.

In talking to them, I tried to help them appreciate what they have and the situation we have. I also try to help them see that we are to do all that we do for the glory of God.

I tend to be a bit wordy when I talk to my girls sometimes, and I didn't want this to come off as a lecture. I tried to make it more a heart-to-heart talk, me asking for their help and cooperation in this. My eldest tends to sometimes be contagious for her younger sister, like your 5th grader, so I talked to her separately and asked her to please be careful of her attitude that spreads to her younger siblings.

Sometimes it is good just to talk to your kids, express your expectations, and let them know that a poor attitude will not be acceptable or tolerated in your home. So far, my girls' attitudes have been better this summer...not always complaining when school is mentioned. We'll see how they do when we start school next week. I'll probably have to give some gentle reminders about attitudes and not complaining.
Jen
happily married to Vince (19 yrs)
blessed by MFW since 2006
have used every year K-1850MOD
2018-2019: Adventures with 9yo boy

hsm
Posts: 146
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2013 8:09 pm

Re: How do you deal with a poor attitude?

Unread post by hsm » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:26 am

I don't really have any advice but I wanted to say that I appreciate this post because as a Christian homeschooling parent, I think there is pressure for our children to be perfectly well behaved, respectful with no attitude. At least, I feel that pressure (could be self imposed pressure). It is nice to hear that others share the same struggles and that our children are still children that struggle with things just like everyone else. We are still parents trying to raise loving Godly children.

I have done similar as Jen by having a heart to heart with them. It does help. They want to please. They try, but like the rest of us, struggle to do right all the time. I have told them a poor attitude and disrespect isn't tolerated in our home. God wants us to love one another. Let's treat each other the way we would strangers or friends. That said, my dd12 spent the morning in her room yesterday because she had a poor attitude and it rubbed off on everyone else. I needed her to have some time to calm her spirit and to rejoin the family with a more cheerful heart. It helped. She didn't like being in her room and protested considerably for awhile, but when she rejoined us, she was in a better mood. Like I said, not much advice here, just commiserating. :)
Lori-IL
K/ECC, CtG/Learning God's Story
dd-12, dd-9, ds-6

TriciaMR
Posts: 998
Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2007 11:43 am

Re: How do you deal with a poor attitude?

Unread post by TriciaMR » Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:59 am

I really like "Parenting is Heart Work" by the Biblical Parenting Institute. It has really good stuff for working on attitudes... And they have several other books, too.

I remember at my first job someone told me, "Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% your attitude about it." Or something like that. I try to talk to my kids about attitude *outside* of school time. Before school or after school, when we've had time to step away from the situation. Otherwise the resentment can really build up.

Also, my other advice: Don't take it personally. It is NOT a reflection of you and your bad parenting. Your kids can make choices - they have free will. Of course, we can help guide them to make better choices, but they might not always make the right choice. Grace and forgiveness cover a lot.
Trish - Wife to Phil, Mom to Toni(18), Charlie(14), and Trent(14)
2014-2015 - AHL, CTG
2015-2016 - WHL, RTR
2016-2017 - EXP1850, US1877
2017-2018 - DE, 1850MOD
2018-2019 - College, AHL
My blog

Cici
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Mar 21, 2014 2:29 pm

Re: How do you deal with a poor attitude?

Unread post by Cici » Thu Aug 21, 2014 1:31 pm

We are doing Proverbs Dollars (Proverbs Academy is our official school name) & Heart Reports. I have a 6 year old & a 22 month old. This is obviously just for the 6 year old, for now.

Proverbs dollars are similar to your dot system. She earns her dollars & can "buy" things from the "store." Some examples: 30 minutes of iPad time, Netflix Movie, Field Trip of her choice, etc...
The Heart Report is a report I fill out for my Husband. It's an awesome free printable from 1+1+1=1.

Once she complained about doing her Reading Review & I had her fill a page writing "I will not complain about reading review." She hasn't complained since :)

She doesn't complain much about school, but when she complains about folding her clothes, I tell her "If you complain about your chores, I will add more." A few times of her having to fold my clothes as well as hers, she's not so quick to complain as she knows that her actions has a consequence.

We recently started doing Brain Breaks during school. She's a gymnast & a ballerina, so I have her break doing a minute or so of that. It's awesome!!

Of course, we also have our heart to heart talks & prayers. :)
Follower of Christ
Wife of a Pilot
Mommy to our Prince (MFW Preschool) & Princess (MFW Adventures)
Blessed that God called me to Homeschool

klewfor3
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:14 pm
Location: Illinois

Re: How do you deal with a poor attitude?

Unread post by klewfor3 » Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:39 am

Thanks for the posts. Obviously, I have the privilege of raising strong-willed, tender hearted, smart, Christ following kids. My oldest was 4 when he got corrected for something he had done. He then folded his arms sat down and asked with all the seriousness in the world, "When do I get to be in charge?". No disrespect in his tone, just a honest question. :-)

Of course, talking with my kids is my first step...thanks for the reminder. Too often, I just react. But, I do like to give options other than a negative result for their choices. I love the logic that James Dobson gives in that we as adults are driven by rewards (i.e. a paycheck, advancement, etc.) so why wouldn't we tap into what is naturally built into every person.

Lori, thank you so much for your comments and for the encouragement. The pressure to have the most well-behaved children, especially in the homeschooling world, is definitely a real issue. I know that I do not have perfect kids (as I am not a perfect mom) but I do have perfectly normal kids. I am so blessed to be on this journey. My heart is full.

kw4blessings
Posts: 166
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2012 12:56 pm

Re: How do you deal with a poor attitude?

Unread post by kw4blessings » Tue Aug 26, 2014 12:02 pm

I'm thankful for this post. It prompted me to set up a reward system in our home. We started school a week ago Monday and the first week was full of bad attitudes and grumbling. We started a new system yesterday (one sticker for a school morning without complaining and another for doing jobs cheerfully). They'll get a small reward when they earn 10 stickers. This has already changed the mood of our home. Yay! Thanks for the ideas!
Kelly, blessed mama to
sweet girl 10, busy boys 8, 6, 3
Finished K, 1st, Adventures, ECC
2016-17 CTG, K, and All Aboard!

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